Do you ever have times when the amount of faith you have seems so small that it feels like a rubber band about to snap back at you at any moment? I have those times.
Lately, I have those times a lot.
Raising support is about the hardest thing I've had to do.
I've been praying for God to release the funds for us to be able to go to our field assignment in Moldova, but I know that for whatever reason I have something to learn in this waiting.
The positive things from waiting have been complete dependency on God for everything, a lot of time spent together as a family, and as a couple.
The longer we wait the more we depend on God - when we first got back from South Africa we had a lot of people helping, feeling led to bring us food, we had people help buy our family Christmas presents, and giving us gift cards to the food store. This is a very humbling place to be. I was reminded by someone when I said - this is hard to not be the giver but to depend on others - that "The worker is worth their wage." This is biblical but still hard - is this pride? Probably.
Then I think, when I am giving out food baskets on the field - will I not understand more when someone doesn't want to take the food but does out of necessity? I am sure this time of waiting will help me see their need from a more personal place.
God continues to give us just enough and every once in awhile surprise us with a gift. I just got a free meal at a fast food restaurant - which I decided to drive through out of speed and convenience not because, in all honesty, I should have or could afford to do so that day. But God surprised me. We ended up getting our food for free because their machine could not read the credit card or debit card I had. It was their machine not my cards. When they told me to just go get the food and I wouldn't be charged for it I was surprised and as I drove away I offered thanks to God. He provided what he didn't even need to provide.
As a family we have spent more time all together then I can ever remember. There are times when I look at my husband and have said, "Just go." Not always in the nicest tone of voice. Does that surprise any of you? But for the most part we have realized how much of a family we are. My husband truly is my best friend. We share everything together and as we learn more about each other - trusting each other our relationship is deeper because of it. This will most certainly help us on the field.
Our children are enjoying time with Daddy in a way that they wouldn't have if we had gone right onto the field. We have through this last year and half learned more about each other's strengths and weaknesses. We are learning more how to love each other and live together. There is no way that this could be seen in the negative.
Then why do I say that I struggle with faith? Sometimes I get caught up with how long something is taking to happen. I truly believe that God is in control - but sometimes I think that if God is behind something there should be no waiting involved it should just happen. There should be a time limit. That if we really belong on the field then we should already be there. I know that my husband has had at least one person say that if we were meant to be on the field we would already be there. I struggle with that. If that person is right - then why do we still feel so strongly that we are not to stay but to go. If this is true then why does our house seem to stay rented. As I pray and ask God where the rest of the support is to be found - why do we continue to feel that perseverance is what He is asking of us?
I am reminded of Abraham and Sarah as they waited for their promised son. They knew what God had told them, they knew that God would be true to his word - they knew this. Then why did their faith waiver? Why did they struggle with how long it was taking?
God clearly - wanted them to know it was him doing it not them.
They tried to speed it up and go around the mountain in their way. Sarah - like many women - felt that maybe it was her. I know that many times even myself I see Sarah as a women who made a suggestion that was against God's plan. She offered her handmaiden to her husband, I say to her why - why are you doing this!
What do you think as a human, as a women, Sarah felt like. Maybe she felt she was the problem. She never could have children, in a culture where not having children was always the women's fault. I am sure she felt desperate, she influenced her husband. To remind you of this conversation here it is:
Genesis 16: 1-2 ESV
[16:1] Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. [2] And Sarai said to Abram, “Behold now, the LORD has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai.
I wonder if there was more discussion on this - or did she say it and Abram was like - "Hot dog!" Some how, I think there might have been a bit more dialogue about the whole thing.
So what does this all have to do with me? I think this account shows a fundamental problem with being a sinful human. We get in front of God. We think we see all the answers, that we know best, that if God just gave it over to us and followed our lead that we could do it better than Him.
But going back to Sarah the moment her plan was put into action was probably when she first regretted it.
[3] So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. [4] And he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress. [5] And Sarai said to Abram, “May the wrong done to me be on you! I gave my servant to your embrace, and when she saw that she had conceived, she looked on me with contempt. May the LORD judge between you and me!”
(Genesis 16:3-5 ESV)
Do you think that maybe Sarai - secretly hoped that she was forcing God's hand. That She not Hagar would conceive and that God would be given the glory? But God didn't do that, but his plan had not changed.
[Isaac's Birth Promised]
[15] And God said to Abraham, “As for Sarai your wife, you shall not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall be her name. [16] I will bless her, and moreover, I will give you a son by her. I will bless her, and she shall become nations; kings of peoples shall come from her.” [17] Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed and said to himself, “Shall a child be born to a man who is a hundred years old? Shall Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?” [18] And Abraham said to God, “Oh that Ishmael might live before you!” [19] God said, “No, but Sarah your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his offspring after him. [20] As for Ishmael, I have heard you; behold, I have blessed him and will make him fruitful and multiply him greatly. He shall father twelve princes, and I will make him into a great nation. [21] But I will establish my covenant with Isaac, whom Sarah shall bear to you at this time next year.”
(Genesis 17:15-21 ESV)
13!
Thirteen more years passed - it says in Genesis 17:25 that Ishmael is 13 years old. This story both encourages me and scared me.
I want to be on the field ASAP - but God's timing is the best timing. I want to get in front of God and make it happen. I know what I do in my own strength will not work. God's hand must be in it!
I know on the field I will need to trust God's timing. I know that this waiting period will make complete sense. I know that God has put in us this desire to do his work overseas. So many confirmations in our lives about this. My conflict of faith always comes when I take my eyes off of God and His plan. When the noise of the world and the voices of the people around me that want it to happen in a timely business manner. When I get asked the questions:
"Your still here." "When are you leaving?" "When do you think you'll have a departure date?"
I would love to answer those questions with this answer:
"We leave next week." What joy will be in that statement!
Just as Sarah finally held her baby boy - named laughter!
If I continue to trust in the promise that God gave us and trust that his timing is perfect my faith won't waiver.
Pray for me that I would continue to trust God's plan for my family.
That I will trust in God's perfect timing. His - Will, Way, and Time.
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